In Memory of Kathy Gray

(This was written a week ago...sorry for the delay in posting)

It's easy to get self-absorbed when you're on a gap year...planning, thinking, meeting, moving around...I mean, let's face it: it IS a pretty self-centered thing to do. What does Kelly want to do? Where does Kelly want to go? What are Kelly's strengths? Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

Then word from home reaches you that a beloved colleague has died after a courageous boxing match with cancer. Perspective shifts in a hurry. Round 1, Round 2...she kept getting back up, so that I never imagined the last time I saw her would be the last time I saw her. She had attended The Rep's annual black-tie gala with her portable chemo pack on her shoulder like an evening bag.

What would Kathy Gray have given for just another healthy day at home? With husband Mark and son Gabriel? With dear friends? Would she care what city she was in or what graduate programs seemed the best fit? It's about people, right? The relationships. Movie nights on the sofa, chats at the kitchen bar, sitting on the front porch watching...just watching. Kathy had people that mattered to her and she mattered to them. That's what mattered.

Time is a luxury. Am I wasting it? Am I putting too much emphasis on place? Should I get back to Little Rock and loved ones and thank God for my many blessings (because they ARE many)?

If I was writing this on any other day, I might answer differntly. But today, I'm thinking of Kathy and wishing I was in Little Rock for her memorial service. I'm feeling the tug to a town where I've spent almost 25 years; twice as long as I've lived anywhere else.

One of the things I've had to get used to on this journey is the inconsitency of my resolve and my feelings. Some days, I'm convinced I'm doing the right thing and that answers await in the next block or in the next week. Other days, I'm baleful about leaving the sure thing: a job I know, working with people I care for deeply; a city in which I know my way around; good friends and neighbors. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't share the mixed emotions with you.

There was this moment on Amtrak (that's a whole other post...I rode Amtrak for the first time to get to Chicago) when I was visiting with some of the train workers in the dining car as we inched our way over the last few miles into Chicago. For some reason, they got really excited when they learned I was considering a move here, their hometown.

"You go, girl!"
"Yes ma'am! That's what I'm talking about!"
"You're gonna love it!"
"Go on, now!"

When I excused myself to go gather my belongings and thanked them for their suggestions, these four women--strangers to me, really--stood up and applauded for me. A standing ovation in an Amtrak dining car.

Today, in the quiet of my rented Lincoln Park studio apartment, I do the same for Kathy Gray:

"You go, girl!"
"Yes, ma'am! That's what I'm talking about!"
"You're gonna love it!"
"Go on, now!"

Standing O.